Midwinter Musings

 It's that time of year again, where it's cold, wet and dark outside and I find myself going into a thoughtful state of mind. While I am feeling extra sluggish, sleepy and tired, and facing the daily battle to do what has to be done with the help of my trusty lightbox, my mind turns to the coming spring and what I hope to accomplish when my energy (LOL) returns.

Here are some things I would like to achieve, or be able to do. Not all in the next few months LOL, I am throwing in some "bucket list" type items as well:

1. Exercise regularly and get fit (and find a competent physio to help me with that)
2. Meditate daily
3. Practice the helpful Buddhist ideas I have been reading about, instead of just reading about them and thinking how helpful they sound
4. Take the family abroad
5, Go on holiday alone
6. Go horseriding again. Oh heck, let's go the whole hog and admit that I still dream of owningmy own horse one day
7. Lose weight. Sorry. I just know it will help me feel better and ease the strain on my joints. And yes, I would like to be able to buy decent clothes too.
8. Eat an almost completely wholefoods diet for a period of time and see if my health improves
9. Visit Scotland
10. See the aurora
11. Experience different cultures, visit sacred sites in other countries, and so on, travel, travel, travel
12. Yoga. Still love it, even if it isn't good for my wibbly wobbly body
13. Try Bowen therapy and see if it helps
14. Be able to run. Not to be a runner, that's not a good idea for me, but to be able to run
15. Find a supportive and helpful doctor
16. This one is a bit nebulous but I feel it very strongly- to be able to express myself more in my lifestyle, home and so on, insteadof feeling my life is dictated by the preferences of others. To feel my mind is free to dream and become aware of what I truly want and am drawn to
17. Eat only local, sustainably produced meatand organic, local veg, no supermarket crap
18. Be able to be active in some way in either my local, or the wider community
19. Do something I feel at least a bit good about doing, that brings in some money to help with our currently dire financial prospects
20. See my children grow up and find their way in the world.
21. See my grandchildren grow up and find their way in the world would be even more wonderful. I do not want to die before my time like my dad did (he had a heart attack at the age of 53 and never met two of his four grandchildren)
22. Find some kind of arty crafty thing I can actually do
23. Write poetry again
24. Write a novel
25. Develop an IRL community of likeminded people that I can draw support from, and give support to- maybe a local HMS support group, and friendships with likeminded women
26. Take part in some feminist campaigning
27. Live in an old farmhouse or cottage with fields at the bottom of the garden
28. Successfully grow some veggies.
29. Get rid of The Beast (Peugeot 807) and get a new car that actually works properly.
30. Get singing lessons
31. Perform (singing and poetry)
32. Try some local am dram

It's good to encourage myself to dream, it is so easy to slip into giving up on my hopes and dreams for my life and accepting things will never change. I want to accept that it is as it is, today, now, but at the same time I want to keep hoping and dreaming. My husband once angrily complained that I don't have any hopes and dreams. Well I will say that it is not easy to hold onto hoping and dreaming when parenting four children on a low income with a chronic illness and a spouse with very strong ideas about how life should be!

Sometimes- like this afternoon when I had a fatigue attack (sudden bout of more severe fatigue where I had trouble walking, talking, my face goes numb and so on) in the middle of town and had to struggle back to the car up several steep hills- life honestly seems too hard to bear. I don't mean that I would consider suicide, but I do sometimes feel that given the choice of living or not living, I would prefer not. Of course that doesn't mean I would be happy to learn I was going to die- I desperately want to live a long life and be able to see my children grow up, marry, have their own children, buld their careers and so on. But given the choice between existance and non-existance, I think I might choose the latter. I think that is the number one thing I would like to change in the coming year. I don't seek to be spared from pain and suffering, but I would like, on balance, to feel that being alive is worth it. It feels like it is only just outside of my grasp.

I suspect that the answer lies in living in the moment, and learning to let go. I am looking forward to journeying further into my practices of mindfulness and acceptance in 2013.